As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife: “I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I’ve slept with dozens of them.”
His wife looked at him calmly and said, “Why do you think I gave you the poison?” 

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As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said: “I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.” 

“In that case,” said the patient, “I’ll come back when you’re sober!”

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Boy over phone: “I have been thinking of you all evening.” 

Girl: “But we talked for an hour just few minutes ago.” 

Boy: “Oh damn! Did I call you again?” 

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Shopkeeper: “Were there any orders while I was out?” 

New Salesman: “Only one. Two men ordered me to put up my hands while they took all the money.” 

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